Teacher essay comments

Hello Simon
I really appreciate your effort.
But I'm wondering, why did you mention alternatives in the second paragraph? You categorized this topic as "'strong opinion", then if you strongly agreed, you would mention why you supported this idea in both paragraphs.
But these two paragraphs Would have been more suitable with "partly agree introduction and conclusion" that you agree that ex-prisoners are not the only way to encourage teens not to commit crimes.
But now I feel there is a discrepancy in meaning of overall idea.

                         Mr. Aslam is my neighbour. He is a young man of 35. He lives in front of my house. He is very kind to all his friends. He has two sons and only one daughter. He belongs to a noble family. He is a highly educated man. He is also our teacher. He is . He teaches us English and Urdu. He has full command on his subject He teaches us with love and care. His method of teaching is very good. All the students like him very much. He is also our class in charge. He comes to school in time. He is the right hand of headmaster in all his activities.

After students have read and understood the assigned topic, they can go on to the next step of the essay-writing process. This step does involve writing -- but not yet essay writing. In step two, students write an outline of their proposed essay. The outline should look something like this:
Congress According to Twain

1) Topic: The question or prompt rephrased in the student's own words. Rephrasing the prompt will help students understand the assignment and narrow and focus the topic of their essay. For example, "Mark Twain once said that all members of Congress are idiots."
2) Position: The student's position or opinion about the question or prompt. For example, "I see no reason to disagree."
Most writing assessments ask students to take a position. Students should be aware that, if the test directions ask them to take a position, they need to take one side of the issue and defend it, not consider and defend both sides of the issue.
3) Reasons: Three reasons the student has taken his or her stated position.
a) Reason 1: The most important reason. For example, "Congress has passed a number of bills without considering where the funding for those bills would come from."
i) Evidence: Example that demonstrates Reason 1. For example, "The Americans with Disabilities Act, the Clean Air Act, and the No Child Left Behind Act are just three examples of laws that were passed without considering how cities and states would pay to implement their mandates."
b) Reason 2: The second most important reason. For example, "Congress has passed a number of silly bills based on narrow political interests."
i) Evidence: Example that demonstrates Reason 2. "For example, federal laws have been passed making it a crime to imitate Smokey the Bear or transport wooden teeth across state lines."
c) Reason 3: The third most important reason. For example, "The members of Congress from my state are idiots."
i) Evidence: Example that demonstrates Reason 3. For example, "I met John Smith, a member of Congress from my state, and he had never heard of my hometown."

dear Simon and friends,
please give me your comments. thanks for any help.
I did write my essay following almost balanced opinion, it this correct?
topic: It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Many people believe that teaching local history for schoolchildren is much more essential than world history. While I agree that it is vital for children to learn domestic history at school, I would argue that it is equally important for them to study both local and world history.
It is true that studying the national history is an indispensable part of school’s curriculum during children’s early education. First, having thorough insights into what happened in their countries develops their own patriotism. For example, children in Vietnam are taught about how their ancestors defended their land against outside intruders and reclaimed sovereignty. This would make those young children take pride in their origin and treasure the life they have. Also, when some students who have widen knowledge about local history go abroad, they could introduce the beauty in the cultures and traditions of their own countries to foreign people. As a result, the image of their countries would be significantly improved.
However, I believe that learning about world history shares equal importance just as local one. Firstly, acquiring knowledge about the world’s past events equips students with a more well-rounded perspective of life. Lessons about the World War or Feminism protest against women’s abuse and discrimination would help those learners enhance their understanding of various aspects of the world. Secondly, being taught about the other countries’ historical backgrounds would beneficial to young learners in their future career. Students who accumulate knowledge of this particular field at an early age would possess an attractive point to foreign enterprises, especially those who highly value company culture like Japan.
In conclusion, although learning domestic history is essential for schoolchildren, I believe local and international history have distinctively equal meanings to children.
(287 words)

Teacher essay comments

teacher essay comments

dear Simon and friends,
please give me your comments. thanks for any help.
I did write my essay following almost balanced opinion, it this correct?
topic: It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Many people believe that teaching local history for schoolchildren is much more essential than world history. While I agree that it is vital for children to learn domestic history at school, I would argue that it is equally important for them to study both local and world history.
It is true that studying the national history is an indispensable part of school’s curriculum during children’s early education. First, having thorough insights into what happened in their countries develops their own patriotism. For example, children in Vietnam are taught about how their ancestors defended their land against outside intruders and reclaimed sovereignty. This would make those young children take pride in their origin and treasure the life they have. Also, when some students who have widen knowledge about local history go abroad, they could introduce the beauty in the cultures and traditions of their own countries to foreign people. As a result, the image of their countries would be significantly improved.
However, I believe that learning about world history shares equal importance just as local one. Firstly, acquiring knowledge about the world’s past events equips students with a more well-rounded perspective of life. Lessons about the World War or Feminism protest against women’s abuse and discrimination would help those learners enhance their understanding of various aspects of the world. Secondly, being taught about the other countries’ historical backgrounds would beneficial to young learners in their future career. Students who accumulate knowledge of this particular field at an early age would possess an attractive point to foreign enterprises, especially those who highly value company culture like Japan.
In conclusion, although learning domestic history is essential for schoolchildren, I believe local and international history have distinctively equal meanings to children.
(287 words)

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